I’m not one to air a lot of my "dirty laundry", but I am also one who knows that I can’t do a lot of things on my own. It’s with a very humble heart then that I have decided to confess something and ask for prayers.
I am beginning to seek professional counseling for a combination of depression and dealing with a "short fused temper" (not exactly sure how else to put it). I admit that there is something wrong with me, and in talking with the councilor, I’ve realized that I haven’t fully ever grieved over the loss of my parents. The un-resolved hurt has manifested itself over time, growing deep within me and causing me strife.
I’m very good on putting up a happy front to the business world in my dealings with clients, co-workers, fellow church members, and close friends. Unfortunately, when I get home, that happy front disappears, and I tend to let frustrations out on the only one available to me; my wife.
Please understand that I have not, nor do I ever expect to, physically harm her in any fashion. Unfortunately, my words and attitudes in response to what I see as even the slightest criticism, are unchristian and certainly undeserving. I tend to jump to an aggressively defensive verbal tone whenever I think I’ve been criticized, and in any conversations tend to disregard her viewpoint and opinion and defend mine quite vigorously.
This attitude has, of course, emotionally hurt my wife, and we’ve grown somewhat apart because of this. I hadn’t known (or at least hadn’t acknowledged) why, although I knew we were growing apart. I had begun to feel Danielle wasn’t attracted to me w/o realizing I was the one pushing her away from me. On a recent weekend, Danielle admitted that my attitude was hurting her, and that others were beginning to notice it as well.
I swore to her when we got married that I wouldn’t hurt her, but I hadn’t realized that I had been doing just that. Needless to say, I’ve been ashamed of myself, and I know that I am not currently the man, the leader, nor the husband that God designed me to be.
I’m asking you, dear reader, to please pray for me, that God’s wisdom to be put on the counselor that I am meeting with. I pray, and would ask that you also pray, that I learn to deal with the hurt of loss and learn how to completely turn it over to God and learn to deal with and correct it. I don’t want my wife to be afraid of me.